Forgiveness is a term readily tossed about, but not readily understood. We wrong each other, sometimes purposely, sometimes not. And we need to forgive and be forgiven. But what does that really mean? If you’re the one I’m forgiving, does it mean that you owe me? Does it mean that I guilt trip you? Does it mean that I’m free to abuse you? Does it mean that I’m better than you? No. Forgiveness is an acknowledgement of self-love and self-care. The person who betrayed you yesterday is not responsible for your feelings today.
We gauge what to expect from the people we know and so build trust based on those expectations. We do this by direct communication, social and cultural mores, etc. When expectations aren’t met and trust is broken, we usually feel disappointed, betrayed or deceived. I think of it like being slapped in the face – unexpected and painful. In order to protect ourselves from this kind of “attack” again, we tend to use anger or possibly disappointment as a shield and reminder. Problem is, it can be a heavy shield to bear and we may continue to bear it long after its outlived its usefulness. Anger can eat at other areas of our life, and disappointment can make us hopeless. There’s a balance to be struck – enough of a focus on the hurt to protect ourselves going forward, but not so large a focus that the rest of our life dims in anticipation of a future “attack.” Fear is a potent medicine that can and does keep us safe, but like many medicines, too much is definitely a bad thing. It may surprise you, but the key to forgiving, or letting go of the shield, is a transfer of power. Reclaim your power. Take it back from the one you need to forgive and then you don’t need the shield. You aren’t vulnerable to one who’s powerless over you.
So what exactly is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is an empowering. It’s saying: I’m not going to hold onto this anger (sadness, rage) anymore. I’m not going to blame you for how I feel now. And I’m no longer going to be a victim of “what you did to me.” It helps a lot, if you have compassion not only for yourself, but also for the person you’re forgiving. Compassion evokes an understanding of the human condition. Whereas, pity is fear based and tends to be judgmental. How often it is that the abuser was once the abused, or that the manipulator feels totally out of control? As I said earlier, forgiveness is an acknowledgement of self-love and self-care. Forgiveness can even stop the pain circles that have been passed on for generations. You are only a victim if you can’t take care of yourself. But, if you can make the decision to stay, to leave, to come and go, without threat to your health or well-being, you are not a victim anymore.
When something breaks down within a primary relationship (can be a relationship with ourselves), we may feel that life is falling apart. And to handle the overwhelming emotions that result, we might “shut down” on some level. The point is to be numb to our feelings, especially around the situation that needs to be addressed. Which, it goes without saying, makes it difficult to be aware of those feelings and our needs. Alternately, we may tell ourselves that things are the way we want them to be, or the way they used to be, instead of how they really are. Both coping mechanisms help cushion us from the immediate blow and give time to more gently adjust to new circumstances. They’re not necessarily bad. They’re just short-term fixes – only. If used long term, they can fasten us in delusion, deception, depression and a slow death for the relationship. Relationships ARE complicated. They’re an organic creation between two, likely, complex individuals. The best you can do is gauge for yourself whether and how the relationship benefits you. With forgiveness, you can do this. You can let go of destructive emotions, self-deception and honestly get on with your life.
Sometimes we stifle forgiveness because we hang on to the way we think things “should’ve” been or are “supposed” to be. A relationship is like being on a path. If you come to a boulder that blocks your way, you need to make a decision. You may decide to work your way over the boulder, or to try to move it, or to abandon the path and forge or find a new one. But yelling at the boulder, because it “shouldn’t” be blocking you, or pretending it’s not there, is only going to waste your energy and keep you from moving forward. When your emotions have become dead weight, and all efforts to move or ignore said boulder have proved futile, it’s time to change tactics or move on.
Consider the following four elements to help you shake off stagnation, let forgiveness flow and your soul shine.
Element 1: Establish clear boundaries with the person you want to forgive.
First off, you need to come from a safe place. You’ve been wounded. The worst thing you can do is put yourself in danger of being wounded again. You lost trust and the nature of your relationship has changed. Pretending it’s otherwise will only make you paranoid, resentful, afraid and/or numb. It’s easier to establish clear boundaries with someone you’ve put out of your life, but just as essential with someone you want to keep in it. Chances are that both of you are wounded and need time alone to heal. You need your own space to release negative emotions in a healthy way, to take personal responsibility for those emotions and to get in touch with your needs – not your partner’s needs, your children’s or the relationship’s. Further, if you’re constantly surrounded by the person you want to forgive, they’ll be the outlet your ugly emotions seek. Don’t keep anger with you as a form of protection. Protect yourself by setting other boundaries. Allow trust to reconstruct slowly and wean yourself back in gently, if that’s what you still want to do. This may, for example, involve a period of being “just friends” with a lover or spouse (and that doesn’t mean you have to move out.) Remember, your relationship is whatever you and your partner want it to be. Don’t let social ideals confuse you into giving up something you value or keeping something that doesn’t serve you. You’re allowed to tell your kids you have problems too – chances are they already know and will be relieved to hear you being honest about it. Not that they need details. But seeing you constructively work things out (or not) will be valuable life lessons for them as well.
Element 2: Be honest!
In your own safe space, you can be nakedly open about how you really feel and what you really need. Honesty, or its lack, was what created the problem in the first place. Somewhere, someone was dishonest with the other, and likely with themselves. Trust was broken. Since you can’t control another person, you can’t know if they’re telling the truth. All you can do is tell the truth yourself. This means you need to be aware of how you want to be feeling and not let it muddle your perception of how you’re really feeling. Why does what this person did in the past, still hurt you now? Or are they still doing it? Look at what you’re upset about – really look at it, deeper than you ever have before. Your emotions gauge your spiritual health. They tell you what you need to do. In order to properly understand them, though, you need to admit the truth to yourself, especially when it’s hard. If you’re staying in a difficult relationship, acknowledge why and take responsibility for that choice. Be honest. Don’t substitute some sugar-coated sounds-good reason for the truth. If you’re not proud of or don’t like the real reason, accept it anyway. KNOW what you’re doing and WHY you’re doing it. Do treat others with the same respect you want for yourself. Betrayal begets betrayal. Love yourself enough to offer honesty to the world and let the cycle of betrayal stop with you. Remember, you don’t need to lie or make excuses about who you are, or what you need.
If you foster awareness within, it’ll spread like wildfire. Once you’re an excellent observer of yourself, you’ll be a better observer of everyone else too. Are they lying about something to themselves, or to you? Do their words not match their actions? We needn’t condemn people because they lie. But if it comes down to trusting your sense of things, or their words, you’ve got to go with your gut, or live to regret it.
Element 3: Empower yourself to take care of you.
Now that you’re being honest and are aware of your needs, you can properly take care of yourself. What this means is taking personal responsibility for fulfilling those needs. Exercise your awareness and look again at what you’re upset about. Why are you upset? Do you feel bad about yourself because of what someone else did? Are you mad because they screwed up your life? What’s screwed up about your life, or is that just you yelling at the boulder? And who gave them the power to screw up your life anyway? We don’t like to give up dreams, or change them, and being mad about it is a sign that we’re trying to hold onto a dream that is no more. This goes back to taking space. Give yourself time to grieve for what’s lost. You need it. Then acquaint yourself to your new surroundings and the possibilities that lie within. Realize that you are responsible for you – first and foremost. How someone else behaves does NOT reflect on who you are. Someone else is not responsible for nourishing your soul, for giving you love or telling you you’re good enough. That’s your job. If you’ve been neglecting that job by passing it off, get on it. This could be the root of your disappointment and victim feelings, and the opportunity you’ve been waiting for to take charge. Your time is NOW. Empower yourself to take care of you. This may involve changing routine and speaking out. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but consider the alternative – staring at, or if you’re like me, beating on the boulder. Once you let go of being a victim, anger will fade and forgiveness will flow. And by loving yourself before anyone else, you’ll be better able to love those around you as well.
Element 4: Compassion
Like virtually everything else, compassion starts with you. If you’re inclined to be hard on yourself, give it a break. You’re good enough right now. Really. You better believe it, or the compassion and forgiveness you want to lend others is NOT going to come. There will always be more things to improve, bigger goals to attain. Ever notice that the satisfaction from one promotion or accomplishment only lasts until the next one is in sight? If this is you, you’re pushing yourself too hard. Take care of yourself like you would a small child. A child is still learning and doesn’t know what the world’s about yet. If you berate the child for ‘doing something wrong,’ you teach that child to live in fear. Fear becomes the master and the one who sets the rules which means that internal truth and awareness are hushed. A child doesn’t deserve that. And neither do you. You too are still learning about the world, so give yourself a break and don’t assume you know it all. If you harbor self-hatred or lack acceptance for things you’ve done, take this opportunity to forgive yourself as well.
When you take responsibility for yourself and anger fades, you’ll see the one who you’re forgiving in a new light. Instead of hating or fearing them (same thing, really), you may see them as smaller, sadder, maybe needing a hug. You may see or know that some desperation brought them to behave in the ways that you needed to forgive. You might even see that they need to forgive someone else and themselves in order to stop hurting the ones they love.
“And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.”
Once you love yourself, and from that place of love, take responsibility for yourself, the anger you feel toward another – from whom you have sufficient space – can fade. All these pieces need to be in place to let go of the hurt that’s weighing you down:
- Space/boundaries
- Honesty with yourself
- Responsibility for yourself
- Compassion/Love for yourself
The beauty is that all this starts with you. Meaning that as long as you truly are free to stay or go, then you are completely capable of forgiving another. Just be prepared to love yourself as much as you’ve always dreamed someone else would. And remember, these four elements are not necessarily encouraged in our society. So getting in the habit of practicing them may take time. Be patient. Understanding and awareness are the first steps. With repetition and a staunch loyalty to YOU, the elements will become routine and your life, inspired and whole.
