Apathy’s Smile

(Wrote this to take my mind off printing problems with Mariposa Spirit! – was kind of fun.)

Apathy.  I can wallow in it.  Like a pig to mud, or a duck to water, Apathy calls to me and says, “Oh there you are!”  We’ll spend days together in bed, like long-lost lovers. That’s usually how Apathy visits me – we make tired love for a time, and then Apathy leaves and I return to Productivity.  Sometimes Self-esteem even flirts with me.

It’s not so much that I’m crazy about Apathy.  It’s that Apathy offers a refuge when the rest of the world is out to get me.  Apathy provides a shield through which I can say: I don’t care what you take from me, World, you can’t take my Apathy!

But sometimes, Joy calls me.  And let me tell you, Joy knows how to beckon!  All those sweet promises and that infectious warmth…  Apathy doesn’t much like Joy.  He knows the routine. Joy takes me away. We have a raucous affair. Then Fear, marauding as Joy, steals the show.  I’ll be with Joy, blink my eyes and seconds later, find Fear in Joy’s place.  But I’m never sure, because Fear looks A LOT like Joy. One thing I’ve discovered is that Fear is a master of disguise. Fear convinces me not to look for the real Joy; he lays on guilt, threats, and ultimatums to keep me from leaving. I usually stay with Fear a while. Then ultimately, and after much heartache, I realize I’ve been duped and should have followed Joy long ago.

But Apathy’s used to it. In spite of my philandering, he welcomes me – though not without a little taunting.  See, he appreciates Irony. They like to hang out.  And I think the next best thing to finding Joy is coming home to see my Apathy smile.