Tag Archives: Self Esteem

Apathy’s Smile

(Wrote this to take my mind off printing problems with Mariposa Spirit! – was kind of fun.)

Apathy.  I can wallow in it.  Like a pig to mud, or a duck to water, Apathy calls to me and says, “Oh there you are!”  We’ll spend days together in bed, like long-lost lovers. That’s usually how Apathy visits me – we make tired love for a time, and then Apathy leaves and I return to Productivity.  Sometimes Self-esteem even flirts with me.

It’s not so much that I’m crazy about Apathy.  It’s that Apathy offers a refuge when the rest of the world is out to get me.  Apathy provides a shield through which I can say: I don’t care what you take from me, World, you can’t take my Apathy!

But sometimes, Joy calls me.  And let me tell you, Joy knows how to beckon!  All those sweet promises and that infectious warmth…  Apathy doesn’t much like Joy.  He knows the routine. Joy takes me away. We have a raucous affair. Then Fear, marauding as Joy, steals the show.  I’ll be with Joy, blink my eyes and seconds later, find Fear in Joy’s place.  But I’m never sure, because Fear looks A LOT like Joy. One thing I’ve discovered is that Fear is a master of disguise. Fear convinces me not to look for the real Joy; he lays on guilt, threats, and ultimatums to keep me from leaving. I usually stay with Fear a while. Then ultimately, and after much heartache, I realize I’ve been duped and should have followed Joy long ago.

But Apathy’s used to it. In spite of my philandering, he welcomes me – though not without a little taunting.  See, he appreciates Irony. They like to hang out.  And I think the next best thing to finding Joy is coming home to see my Apathy smile.


Forgiveness: Four Elements

Forgiveness is a term readily tossed about, but not readily understood.  We wrong each other, sometimes purposely, sometimes not.  And we need to forgive and be forgiven.  But what does that really mean?  If you’re the one I’m forgiving, does it mean that you owe me?  Does it mean that I guilt trip you?  Does it mean that I’m free to abuse you?  Does it mean that I’m better than you?  No.  Forgiveness is an acknowledgement of self-love and self-care.  The person who betrayed you yesterday is not responsible for your feelings today.

We gauge what to expect from the people we know and so build trust based on those expectations.  We do this by direct communication, social and cultural mores, etc.  When expectations aren’t met and trust is broken, we usually feel disappointed, betrayed or deceived.  I think of it like being slapped in the face – unexpected and painful.  In order to protect ourselves from this kind of “attack” again, we tend to use anger or possibly disappointment as a shield and reminder.  Problem is, it can be a heavy shield to bear and we may continue to bear it long after its outlived its usefulness.  Anger can eat at other areas of our life, and disappointment can make us hopeless.  There’s a balance to be struck – enough of a focus on the hurt to protect ourselves going forward, but not so large a focus that the rest of our life dims in anticipation of a future “attack.”  Fear is a potent medicine that can and does keep us safe, but like many medicines, too much is definitely a bad thing.  It may surprise you, but the key to forgiving, or letting go of the shield, is a transfer of power.  Reclaim your power.  Take it back from the one you need to forgive and then you don’t need the shield.  You aren’t vulnerable to one who’s powerless over you.

So what exactly is Forgiveness?

Continue reading


Path to Awareness – Part 1

Those who lie to you want you to work for them. Do you want to work for them or for you? We’re all good judges of character. But so many of us are caught up in the chaos of our own lives and allow our insecurities to convince us that some decisions are better left to others.  But any decision that impacts your life or your community is always best left to yourself.

The path to awareness takes courage.  Systems of deception have been perfected over years, decades and centuries.  You won’t be the first who thought to leave them behind and be your own authority.  And if you turn back, you won’t be the last either.  There’s danger, fear, risk – you will make mistakes, you may even be ostracized to some degree.  You will gain the admiration of some and the jealousy of others, for striking out off the path of obedience and ignorance and toward the path of awareness and authenticity.  And there’s a new community waiting for you there.

You’ll no longer need to please anyone else to be worth something or to have done a good job.  In fact, trying to please anyone else instead of yourself is the ONLY way you can fail.

Hate, anger, fear, guilt, self-doubt, deception: these emotions will trick you. They’ll try to convince you that to succeed on your own terms is really to fail and that to fail yourself is to succeed.  Fostering regular awareness of your emotions and motivations will help you recognize these evils until it becomes as natural as breathing.  Who’s calling the shots? Is it your ambitions and confidence, or your fear and insecurities?  This, by the way, is not about throwing caution to the wind.  It’s about employing caution from a position of strength (and not, from a position of weakness, grasping at perceived bones that someone else has thrown you).

Once you plant the seed of awareness and tend to it daily, it will grow and spread like a weed.  But this weed is special and will fertilize your garden and empower you to grow anything you want.  With awareness, you’ll know exactly what you want and not be confused by what you’re “supposed” to want. You’ll start to see that words like “supposed to” and “should” are words of oppression. When you trade a piece of your heart for what someone else says is right is when you lose power and the ability to be happy and fulfilled.


In God’s Image

If we are made in God’s image, don’t we want to glorify that Image?

God’s beauty is infinite.  The expression of God’s beauty is infinite and planted in us. To stifle the expression of our unique talents and skills is to stifle the beauty and expression of God.  And to stifle God’s beauty and expression is sin.

Perhaps you, nor I, are God. But you and I together, honestly expressing the beauty within us, are one step closer to God than either of us alone. So too, are three or four, or more of us, expressing and living our highest potential, that much closer to God.  We CAN create heaven on earth.

It’s easy to find, follow and express your gifts.  Go to and develop that which makes you happy.  The kind of happy that stays with you, nurtures you, and satisfies.  The kind of happy by which you sleep well at night and wake up feeling refreshed in the morning.  It could be writing, sewing, speaking, fostering animals, coaching, etc.  There is no price tag big enough to accommodate the number that your destiny is worth.

The devil may come about in forms of greed, fear, social mores, expectations, procrastination, or guilt.  The devil really comes down to one thing, which is Fear.  Don’t be frightened by the devil.  Look at it, understand the source of your fear and protect yourself with Love.  Then fear will lose its power over you.

You may not follow your heart because people you love and respect tell you not to.  They want to help.  But only you are in touch with the beauty God has instilled within you.  Only you know exactly how to express it.  Finding and fulfilling our destiny is, for many of us, the hardest thing we’ll ever do. It may require saying No to everyone and everything that tells us how to be and saying Yes to ourselves.  Like children, we’ll try and fail. But there is rarely any success without “failure” first. And like children, we need love, patience and gentleness to succeed.

The first step is Awareness.  And sometimes it’s the only step.  Awareness of what in your life now makes you happy, and what doesn’t.  Often times we’ll get what we think we want, only to find out that we really didn’t want it, and perhaps we gave up something truly valuable in order to have it.  Frequently this happens when we “fall”  for another person’s, or social, ideas of what is good for us.  Go within and find what’s true for you.  You’ll know it when you find it – if there’s any doubt, you haven’t found it yet.

The drive to fulfill our destiny and express our Truth is so compelling that people have died for it – not because they’re better than you or I, but because they know that to do without Truth is to feel dead inside anyway.

No one’s Truth is identical, because God’s aspects are infinite.  But all Truths come from and are nurtured by Love. Suppressing Truth for false ideals (like rich, strong, tough, successful, beautiful, etc.) leads to much pain and suffering in the world.  If we listen to our own Truth and follow it, we listen to God.  We will be naturally kind and loving.  Evil is not a part of who we are.  It is a function of compromising who we are.

God is Love, not dogma. 


self love tirade

Cast aside the barrage of outer advice.  Don’t read anything, don’t watch or listen to anything for as long as you can – a few days would be great.  Get used to identifying the source of your answers.  Is it your mother talking, your father, something you learned in school, the ‘smart’ way to go about it, or is it your truth that may agree with or stand against conventional wisdom?  Continue reading


Entitled to Perfection

You are and I am.

  • We’re all perfect, wonderful and right – right now!
  • Other people’s lies and our own self-deceit block us from seeing and sharing this.
  • Perversion and so-called ‘imperfection’ result from trying to express our uniqueness through external ideas of how we’re ‘supposed’ to be.
  • Knowing who we are, finding, understanding and acting on our honest priorities is the best we can ever do.
  • No amount of money, fame, prestige, beauty, etc. can replace the satisfaction from living a life true to yourself.

The only answers you need are within.


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